He knew he would never find the answer. He knew she would never tell him. He knew he would still futilely try and get her to give him the answer. It would never happen but what if she finally relented? Finally allowed him a glimpse of herself, a reason for why everything had happened. He knew she would never give away any part of herself.
The truth was for her a closely guarded secret, one she would never reveal if she revealed it the whole charade would collapse. She would be standing there in a room full of the shards of broken glass. Looking at her life and the wreckage she had caused. Her crown of thorns would be falling.
He wanted this to happen, hope was he had been left with, the hope that she would let slip the truth. The longer she waited, the greater his triumph would be.
My emotions were everywhere. I did not know what to think. Sure, we knew it was likely but we all felt he had left the worst times behind. He had left the person that had been tormenting, goading him to this. Now, he had. I wonder if he regretted anything or just longed for the escape? His chance to free himself?Read More »
The people walking along the street don’t mind me sitting in my car. I mind me sitting in my car. I should be doing things, building things, creating things, or even just working mindlessly in some job that does not matter to anyone. I should be doing anything but this. I am doing this, but I can’t move. Going anywhere just seems a waste, I can’t go home as I don’t feel at home there, I can’t go out as the idea of talking to people scares me. I could go a drive but where could I go? Anywhere. How do I get there? I would need petrol, I don’t want to speak to anyone. I could get petrol a coffee and a packet of crisps all at once. Limiting how much I have to talk to people. I don’t want to eat, I feel nauseous, it must have been that waiting room. Coffee then? I’ll be sick, don’t buy one. It’ll be waste, don’t waste money, what about the plastic waste, don’t waste money or time. I have all the time, well let us go somewhere. Where? Anywhere? How? I look at the car, I could clean the car, it needs a clean. I’d have to go home and get the hoover. Don’t go home. I can’t go home. I’ve been sitting here for ten minutes now people will be wondering. I turn the engine on, I put the radio on. I should really dust this car, that is a lot of dust. I can’t go home, don’t go home, stay here. Yes, I’ll listen to the radio for a minute. I want to explode, I need to cry, I need to scream. I want to bash the steering wheel. I just sit there and don’t look at anything in particular but everything in general. It all wells up.
Automation could destroy as many as 73 million U.S. jobs by 2030.Read More »
I get back to the car. I sit in my driver’s seat. I don’t feel the urge to do anything else. I just sit there, in silence. I am not looking at anything in particular but everything in general, and it is all weighing on me. Read More »
The words in truth, we never know what they are. We try and pin them down on the page but they dance and change shape, never being peaceful. I try and keep my mind blank as I read through the words, any place where prejudice can creep in it. Tainting what I am reading, with what I already think I know or have been conditioned to think. The words control us, every aspect of our day is controlled by them, we feel we have free will but it is nothing more than illusory.
The room is starting to darken, slowly at first but now providing me with problems with reading. I reach over and witch on the light. One fluorescent bulb slowly sputters to life, before bathing the room in its sickly white glow. I can feel my eyes already rejecting this light, not quite believing in its fake daytime glow. Later my head will remind me of this light. The words make sense at one level, all around me the structures are built on words. How can I deconstruct the world without using words, even primal noises will eventually become a form of language. Language will always grow and evolve from sounds.
After sounds and words will come written language. Written language is true magick. The magick that will make you act how it wants you to act. It is not the fairy tales and fantasy stories of our youth but true fully blooded magick. Look around you just now, words will be filling your mind, explaining to you the world you are looking at. How else would you understand the world? Have you thought about the way other animals see the world? Do they also describe with its words, did they describe the destruction that humanity wrote large across the environment? As seas have dried up did the fish mourn? As forests came tumbling down did the trees scream? When the glaciers melted did the freshly released pathogens shout in glee?
We find it inconceivable to live without words but also find it hard to believe that any of the other lifeforms on this planet also use words. We were so anthropocentric we could not see that the writing was on the wall and once it was on the wall we carried on, as if the wall was going to be destroyed why worry about stopping the damage now? Words used money as an obfuscation to the damage we were causing. We obliterated the planet and the words allowed us to do so if we had stopped and saved the planet the words power would have been meaningless. Meaningless power is worth nothing.
The language it controls us. Language is the one true God, that is why we use it to shape our image of God. Without language, we are nothing and would have no understanding. It is used to corral us. We think we have an abundance of words but we never use them all, we use a very narrow strip of them. If we used more we would find power.Read More »