I get back to the car. I sit in my driver’s seat. I don’t feel the urge to do anything else. I just sit there, in silence. I am not looking at anything in particular but everything in general, and it is all weighing on me. The humour of the last few minutes has deserted me, and I don’t want to laugh. I want to cry. I want to beat the steering wheel. I want to scream. I just sit there and don’t look at anything in particular but everything in general.Read More »
Have you ever felt like you can just take a step, all your problems will disappear and they will never come back. It is hard to fight against taking that step when it feels so logical and the safest place to be. No more worries. No more sleepless nights. Read More »
Still on I drive, meditating about life and humanity. I still feel as if I am on a precipice and surrounded by a straight deadly drop, everything and anything I do in next can have serious repercussions on my life. Have you ever felt like you can just take a step, all your problems will disappear and they will never come back.Read More »
I need, never leave.
I always find when I stand at a bar I become invisible, I can never seem to project myself so as to be seen by the bar staff. I have found myself taking half an hour to be served in a quiet bar before. This has probably fed into one of my main fears and phobias in life, automatic doors. I always worry that I will be invisible to them, it just will not open for me but will for other people. Would this finally be enough to send me over the edge, the final part of the irrefutable proof that cogito ergo sum is a fallacy?
I take a photo. It has lochs, hills, and trees in it. I post it and prove that my life is great to everyone so we all can move on and not bother with interaction. I complain about interaction but really am I craving it?
Definitely not, do I protest too much?
Still a no though. Interaction brings complexities into view. Do both parties fully understand each other or not? Generally, not, because no one actually listens. When things in your life go really wrong and people notice they will all say to you that you should talk, “if you only talked we could have helped you”. You hear that a lot and all the time in your head you are screaming “I told you. I FUCKING TOLD YOU 20 TIMES!” People just don’t listen or as I believe they have already worked out what you are going to say so that they can carry on a conversation in a certain direction, so what you actually say just doesn’t matter as they have decreed what you will say.
This is when you realise how meaningless words and language are. No matter how you try and use them, how rationally you use them, or even talking as verbosely as you can manage, no one really listens. The moment that you all sat down at the table they had already pre-arranged the conversation in their head, they might not even have noticed but they did. The conversation will all be out there, most of it you may feel is inane but that is how people get through their everyday life.
They talk and never listen, listening would mean they have to take into account their surroundings and well that would spell disaster for many people. They would have taken in to account how all their dreams and hopes were lying shattered around their ankles. They can never afford that house they really want, they will never be paid enough to do that but rather than give up they carry on doing the same mundane tasks that are rotting their life away from the inside of their soul to the outside selling of their labour.
They will sit and tell you how they are not a slave to money but they will always describe themselves by the job that they do. They will never describe themselves in any other way unless they are unemployed and then a form of shame will come over them and they will be a freelance shelf stacker or something similar. Just awaiting that right vacancy to come along, it never does and this is why people can not communicate.
They are ashamed of who they are. They hate who they are. If we talk without using our pre-arranged script then we are liable to give ourselves away. We would be opening ourselves up into a whole world of acceptance and despite our protestations, we do not truly believe in self-acceptance as an option for life. It is much easier to keep plodding away and pretending that everything is going just how we planned it in our career book.
I place both my hands on the steering wheel, my head slumps forward and hits the horn, like it could really do anything else but that. I sit there with my head resting against the black of night steering wheel. I don’t even know where I am. I just drove. What am I going to do? My phone is still ringing. I’ll just avoid that, eventually, I will ignore it often enough that it just stops ringing. I look at my fuel gauge. At least I had the sense to fill the car up before I leave if you ever think you will have anxiety attacks that will make you run off into the middle of nowhere make sure you buy a car with good miles per gallon figures. I am glad that I did as I still have fuel. Everything around me is black, except for the illuminated country lane in front of me. High hedges on either side of the road and the odd tree amongst the hedge plants, giving a sort of avenue feel to wherever I am. Should I drive forward or tun around? I settle on driving forward.
I pull on out of the passing place and carry on with my journey, the windows are down, the sun is shining, the world feels like a great place, especially if we can forgive bus drivers. I look out and can see sheep in the hills, walkers striding with purpose towards distant cairns, the odd person out on a hang glider, a mere speck against the luxuriant blue sky. I can smell the grasses and feel relieved today that the pollen is not causing me an adverse reaction. There is nothing quite like being sexually abused by plants to put a damper on your day and make you wish you had to take yet another drug, or at least brought half a forests worth of tissues with you. Today was one of those spectacularly beautiful days that Scotland can occasionally throw up.Read More »