The door, it blocks my way. I can open but why would I do that? Outside is the other side. Outside is where I should go, but why? I can stay here. My mind running through arguments on why I should stay indoors. Outside feeling more intimidating. Indoors is safe, I know where I am. I can go out later. Anxiety building. The door a barrier, an immovable barrier.
I stay in.
How do people switch off? How do you manage to sit down and binge-watch a series on Netflix? I can’t even sit down and read a book now. My brain is continually racing at 100 miles an hour. I need to find projects, something to do, something to preoccupy my mind. Lazy moments become a virtual hellscape in my mind. My own mind is slowly torturing me. How do I switch anxiety off, I am fed up with onxiety.
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Have you ever stood on the edge? Really on the edge? One small movement and you’ll have gone to the abyss. The edge being so narrow, and you’re surrounded by the abyss. You could look at the abyss, but you’d lose your balance. Fall. Would falling be so bad? Would it be over in a second or would it be an eternity, or both? I should just fall. Let go, live in the moment, and fall. Fall. Would it all end, or would this just be a new beginning? Fall. All roads lead to Rome, the abyss. It all ends here. Fall. Why stand, take control, fall. Dive in, it looks so comforting. Coddle yourself in the darkness. Be safe, be comforted, fall. Come and dive in. It’ll be alright.
Fearfully I step. Each step hesitant. Moving at what feels like a glacial pace. Each and every shadow making me jump. I need to be away from here. I need to be free of here. I can’t be here, why am I here?