Walking

Walking. I am always walking. I don’t know where I’m going or why I need to get there. I just know I need to keep walking. I turn this way and that, no particular reason, just following my feelings. Always just walking. I can hear the sounds of life go past, cascading like waterfalls past my ears. The sun, when it shows, glinting through the spaces between buildings. Walking, always walking. Will I ever know when to stop walking? Do I walk until the day I drop or do I reach some sort of destination and stop then? Will I know I’ve reached my destination?

Will I just reach my destination and not recognise it and just keep walking. Searching for that elusive destination that I’ve just met but kept on walking right past it?  I can see the mist start to come down now, it must be nearing twilight, the sun is but a pastel hue now, still, I keep walking. Will I walk all night or shall I rest and take up the pursuit of my destination in the morning?

Walking I will always be walking.

Life

Life, we all want to survive, or so we are told. Many of us don’t though. Today I am facing a void, another night spent thinking about the futility of my existence and why do I exist? I spent the whole night wondering why I want to burden people so. My existence is a burden.

It is weight and an issue for people I know. I don’t want to talk and the more you tell me to talk, the less likely I am to do it. I want to be alone, I like the dark. I can not face being social now, I have tried it and it eats at me. All I can do is sit and scroll through internet articles, waiting until I can go home. Willing the time to pass, worried that I seem weird by existing. I sit and blend into the scene, let everyone else have a great time and maybe they will think I am loving being out.

I am not but don’t be weird, don’t make it weird. They all know I am weird. Everyone is looking at me, am I narcissistic? I shouldn’t care, I do care but I shouldn’t. Why are they looking at me, why talk to me? Please don’t talk to me, I can’t cope, I think slower, I talk slower and I can’t say what I want as I am too slow. The time has passed. Am I still here?

I don’t want to be here. I want to be in a room by myself and with nothing, nothing I want nothing, the trueness of nothing. No pressure, no need for acceptance, just escape. How do I escape, there is only one true escape. The judgment that would come, would my soul escape that? Do I have a soul? I doubt it but would an eternity of this pain be worth the temporary escape? Would it be worse, could it be worse?

We Are All

It is all a game. A game we all will lose. We need to admit that humanity has made a mistake and that love does not exist, has never existed. We feel it but only in a transient passage, it comes and then it fails. The best idea is not to get caught up in its tangled web when it appears.

Admit it, all you really want to do is own the person. You want them to belong to you. They are a good, a commodity, something you want but like all wants it will be satiated, the minute you get it, once you have it it will be gone and you will be left with guilt and unease. Why then would you want to carry this guilt until the day you die? Why do you allow it to grow? You are not being true to yourself, do you honestly believe it will last?

It will never last. It never does. We are fed a romantic notion in order to sell us goods, keep us placated. You need to be an adult and have a loving family relationship. Do we need that? Do we need to hinge our happiness on another person? Marriage seems a doomed concept. Separate rooms, mortgage, and a feeling of constant of loathing, that is not loving. It is also not quite hate, it is a human-made condition.

Mine Eyes

My eyes

they flutter

and fall.

Whilst all around the world crumbles, slowly marching on it’s way to the end of days. I walk along, sometimes I run along but mostly I walk along, wondering. Wondering what will become, what will happen, where will we go? Wondering, sometimes aloud, sometimes internally but always wondering. Still, we walk, march, run towards, towards what? What are we moving forward to?

My eyes

they flutter

and fail.