The feeling it just washes over me. Washing all the colour out. All the hope it evaporates. I just sit and stare. Stare at what, nothing, just the inner monologue inside my head. A cliche battleground.
One, that I hope to defeat.
Become victorious in my own battle against myself.
The chances seem slim though.
I often lie and ponder life. Wonder why I took the doorways and paths that I did. Was it all set out before me, was I pre-determined to take this route, or did I have free will and take a path that I choose freely.
If I was pre-determined do I then have to take responsibility for any of my actions? Is believing that I am guided a cop-out for having agency in my life? Is it a way to resolve the inner personal demons?
I lie awake at night wondering about this. Would it also mean that all the good I have done, matter not, as I couldn’t pick morally whether I should or not? I was just guided to act.
Does following a certain path mean that I have to believe in god and fate? Does free will mean we should all be atheists?
What path should I follow?
We all stand, supposedly together but mostly disunited. We stand in solidarity when the media tells us which side we stand on. We stand as one but only when we know everyone else is doing so.
We leave people to stand alone and forget about them.
Doomed to failure.
Be one of those we forget.
The best ideas are cocooned in it.
I lie there, the red stretching out across the translucent water like a peacock’s tail. My life ebbing but at the same time more vital than it ever has been. At this moment I more alive than I have ever been. I am truly in control of my destiny.
The moment will last forever, I have finally proven I exist and that I have free will. It is only as I create an ending do I realise that I have the freedom to be, to exist, and to not exist. A choice …