A Self-proclaimed Martyr

Still on I drive, meditating about life and humanity. I still feel as if I am on a precipice and surrounded by a straight deadly drop, everything and anything I do in next can have serious repercussions on my life. Have you ever felt like you can just take a step, all your problems will disappear and they will never come back. It is hard to fight against taking that step when it feels so logical and the safest place to be. No more worries. No more sleepless nights. No more money worries. No more life worries. Just complete and utter freedom, the freedom that we dream about but can never have in life as we are constrained. Never allowed to carry out the bravest of actions, the only action that at the very minute might save my immortal soul. I sit and plan ways to make this simple step to freedom. I lie awake at night calculating equations that balance mass, speed, and deceleration. These equations are the purest form of free will. I can stop acting in a determined fashion and can free myself from all the pressures and thoughts of daily life. I can move on, on my own terms, not the terms of anyone else. If you had the ability to take such a step towards your own salvation would you not take it? Would you not free yourself and show the world that you had the power all along to decide what to do with your life? I am told that I should not think these thoughts of freedom, I am given pills to chase these thoughts away, I go and talk to people who want to obliterate these dreams. I am told that I am not alone, there are many people like me and we must all work to not have these thoughts.

If society is full of people like me, having these thoughts, that society has decreed to be wrong, is there then not an issue at the heart of society. Have we so debased society that the very thing that should bring us together has to decree that our escape route from this society is wrong, are we collectively wrong? Are both sides wrong, those that say we should abandon our thoughts of salvation and those that want salvation? Are we both wrong? Are we looking at society through some gaze that does not let us see the imperfections and how easily these could be changed? Was society at one point not working to single people out but have us all work together for the better of humanity. When did we stop feeling that the betterment of humanity was a project that we should abandon and leave people at the wayside as a way to make more money. That people now are a commodity, possibly worth less than a grain of rice. What monetary price do you put on life?

How do people get around all day if they feel that they are worthless, useless cogs in the machinery that will spit them out as soon as it realizes how worthless they are and they can make a few more pennies by ridding themselves of them? Why does everything come down to money? In my head, I constantly run “News from Nowhere” and can not help but think that William Morris had devised a great society, obviously with a nod to Marx and Engels. If we read that at school instead of “Animal Farm” would society be different, would we find it easier to believe in better ideals. Rather than have all alternative systems for society fall under the banner of Orwell’s totalitarian society, which inevitably morphs into our society, carrying on the fallacy that we are living in the only system that works. Well, it works but only for a few people and what will we do when we realize that money was only a social construct and we have destroyed our home planet looking for infinite growth from a planet with finite resources. How can anybody think that this is a sane system to live by, how can people go home at night and be happy with this system, how can we live with ourselves knowing that we are destroying the world that will be left for children. We have no problems with leaving our children a planet that is falling apart, but for some reason, we feel that leaving them an imaginary debt is worse than this. How do we sleep at night knowing we are living out this illogical fallacy. There is no magical money tree, we are constantly told, but ask a politician where the money comes from and they will nine times out of ten get it wrong.

We have decided that money guides our system but the people we have let run the system do not understand the concepts of money. Why do we do that, why do we vote for people who do not actually understand how the planet works. Why do we vote for people that do not want to make life better for the majority of people, they want to make it better for themselves. Why do we fall for this time and time again? Why do we not stand up and bring the system down? We can have a better world but we choose not to have a better world. I should avoid the news it does nothing for my feelings about the world, it ruins my life, I look at it and the depression gets deeper. Perhaps taking salvation is better than fighting to save a world that does not want to be saved. At this point, I want to scream a massive “FUCK YOU” to the world in general and ride off into my own sunset, a martyr to the cause but the problem is no one will listen or care.

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