Life, we all want to survive, or so we are told. Many of us don’t though. Today I am facing a void, another night spent thinking about the futility of my existence and why do I try. I spent the whole night wondering why I want to burden people so. My presence is a burden.
It is weight and an issue for people I know. I don’t want to talk and the more you tell me to speak, the less likely I am to do it. I want to be alone; I like the dark. I can not face being social now, I have tried it, and it eats at me. All I can do is sit and scroll through internet articles, waiting until I can go home. Willing the time to pass, worried that I seem weird by existing. I sit and blend into the scene, let everyone else have a great time, and maybe they will think I am loving being out.
I am not but don’t be weird, don’t make it weird. They all know I am weird. Everyone is looking at me, am I narcissistic? I shouldn’t care, I do care but I shouldn’t. Why are they looking at me, why talk to me? Please don’t talk to me, I can’t cope, I think slower, I speak more gradual, and I can’t say what I want as I am too slow. The time has passed. Am I still here?
I don’t want to be here. I want to be in a room by myself and with nothing, nothing I want nothing, the trueness of nothing. No pressure, no need for acceptance, escape. How do I escape, there is only one true escape. The judging that would come would my soul avoid that? Do I have a soul? I doubt it but would an eternity of this pain be worth the temporary escape? Would it be worse, could it be worse?